Friday March 20, 2009 started as such a normal day. I went to work and Alex went to classes. Late that morning we both got home and started to get ready to go to our ultra sound appointment in Salt Lake. I was so excited but at the same time very nervous. This was the appointment we would find out the gender of our baby and a more specific due date. I really thought it was going to be a girl and Alex told me he thought it was going to be a boy. The drive up was pleasant and I remember thinking how nice it was to have some traveling time with Alex. We arrived for our appointment and waited to be called back. Alex was looking at a magazine and I sat next to him trying not to think about how badly I needed to use the restroom. A few minutes later we were called back. I laid myself on the table, Alex sat next to me and the Ultra sound began. In the beginning the technician was talkative and started pointing out the little baby’s arms, legs, fingers and toes. She looked for a few seconds longer and then announced that it was a baby girl. Alex and I looked at each other and smiled. After a while longer the technician became noticeably quieter, focused on the images she was retrieving.
I remember thinking that she was pushing too hard on my stomach and it was beginning to hurt. She kept saying she was trying to get a good face picture. That sounded odd since she had already taken tons of the face. Finally she told me that I could go empty my bladder and we would try some more. I left the room and went down the hall where she directed me to the restroom. I could see her out of the corner of my eye asking where Dr. Kaelberer was. I thought that was strange and the whole time I was using the bathroom I felt like something was wrong. I went back to the little ultrasound room, and she began pushing my stomach once again, she captured a few more images and then told us that she saw some things that were worrisome, particularly with the brain and heart. We would need to get a more in-depth ultrasound downstairs in perinatology. She then directed us to Dr. Kaleberer’s office so that he could talk with us once he was done seeing another patient.
Dr. Kealberer’s office
Waiting for him seemed like forever. Alex and I didn’t really talk to each other and I think it was somehow hard for us to look at each other too. I pinched my self to make sure this was really happening. It was silent as we sat on the two chairs across from Dr. Kealberer’s desk. I was thinking how much I liked his desk….it was cherry wood, my favorite type of wood. My eyes were drawn to the pictures of his children up on the wall… the frames matched his desk perfectly. All five children were posed so cute. They were beautiful and healthy….perfectly Normal. I remember wondering what was wrong with us. So many questions started going through my head. Did I do something wrong? Why can’t Alex and I have a normal baby? How bad is it? I tried to change my thoughts and asked Alex what he was thinking. He didn’t say much and said he didn’t know what he was thinking. I looked out the big window down at a busy shopping center repeating over and over in my mind, “this can’t be happening,” “this can’t be happening.”
I remember immediately feeling bad for Dr. Kealberer as he came in and sat down behind his desk. His face looked sad. It’s all pretty blurry but as he opened up our file he started to tell us that our baby’s heart was not on the right axis and that she also had something wrong with her brain, perhaps hydrocephalus. He couldn’t tell us much more, only that these were serious, potentially lethal problems and could be indicative of a rare chromosomal abnormality. The next thing we needed to do was set up an appointment with a perinatologist to get more information. Dr. Kealberer helped us set up the appointment, and it was made for the following Tuesday at 8:00 am.
That Evening
The drive home was long. We talked to each other a little bit, but I think we were both still too much in shock to keep a conversation. I just looked out the window. Two thoughts occupied my otherwise blank mind. First, I kept thinking that I was glad I was the one in this heartbreaking situation and not my sisters, Lindsay or Anna. Second, I kept wondering what Alex was thinking and if he was going to be okay. When we finally got home Alex and I talked a little bit and I went into the bedroom to call my parents. I thought I was fine, but as soon as I heard my dad’s voice on the other end I started to cry and couldn’t talk. After a few seconds I managed to tell him the news. He kept saying how sorry he was. It was nice to talk to him because he was able to understand what I was telling him. It was one of those times I felt comforted that my Dad was not only my dad but a doctor also. He concurred that our situation was serious, and that he was almost certain it would be lethal. He said he was sorry over and over and explained to me why the little baby’s problems were not survivable. I could tell that mom was next to him, and I could imagine her crying. Dad said that they would be there to support us and that we were not alone. Mom said she would call my sisters and let them know. After I got off the phone Alex came in and sat on the bed with me. We talked and shared with each other our feelings.
Alex’s phone rang and he went out to answer it. I followed him out into the front room. It was Brent calling to see if Alex wanted him to cover at work. I heard Alex’s voice crack and then he started to cry and couldn’t really speak. I started to cry really hard too. After Alex got off the phone we tried to gain composure, we kind of laughed about the fact that we could talk to each other without crying but we couldn’t talk to anyone else without losing it. We went back into our room and held each other on the bed for a long time. Alex’s mom had left a message on his phone asking how our ultrasound went. Before he called her back, he practiced on me what he would say, that way he wouldn’t cry again. After some practicing, he called her back and was able to stay poised while he told her the news. She said she would call the rest of the family so we didn’t have to worry about fielding calls. We got back in bed after he hung up and cried together some more. Finally, we got up.
I had a terrible headache and my stomach was growling. We decided to get some pizza. While we were waiting for it to get done we drove to Smith’s. In the store we walked around dazed. We smiled empathetically at each other when an announcement came on advertizing something for a healthy pregnancy. After some walking around we eventually found ourselves in front of the ice-cream freezer loading up. (They were having a really good sale—like 49 cents for a pint, and I was planning on buying some anyway.) We bought some other things and then headed over to the checkout line. We couldn’t help but laugh when we realized how much ice-cream we were unloading. After we got home and put all the ice-cream in the freezer, we ate. While we were eating Mindy and Anna came over with frozen Lasagna, salad, bread and some more ice-cream. We all laughed because of how stuffed our freezer was. Anna said she would put the frozen things in her freezer until we needed them. They stayed and talked to us for awhile. It was so nice having them there, even though they probably did not understand what we were going through.
That evening we walked over to the public library to give ourselves something to do. We ended up coming home with a few movies but ended up just getting ready for bed. We both took some Tylenol for our headaches and tried to sleep. After a few minutes Alex’s mom called and told him she just couldn’t go to sleep without telling him that she loved him. After he got off the phone we cried and tried to go back to sleep. About twenty minutes later my phone rang. It was my mom and she was calling to tell me that she just couldn’t go to sleep without letting me know that she loved me. I started to cry and she told me how happy she was that she knew that the baby was a little girl. She had been thinking about her all day as little princess. As we both cried over the phone mom said that it would be good if we came up with a name for her little granddaughter. I agreed with her.
The Right Name
After I got off the phone I sat up in bed, trying to think of girl names. An overwhelming feeling came over me as I felt the urgency to give this little baby a name. I hadn’t even thought of any names yet and girl names have always been harder for me to come up with than boy names. I sat there tired, trying to think of girl names in my head. The names I have always liked just didn’t seem to fit. All of a sudden the name Emma came into my mind, I felt a feeling of peace as I said it over and over in my mind different ways—it felt like a perfect fit. I have never had the desire to name any of my daughters this name. I mean, I think it’s a pretty name but I have always felt that it was too popular and wasn’t one of my favorites. Hence, it has never been a name on my baby name lists. I tried to brush the name out of my head and kept trying to think of other names. Still, none of them would fit. The name Emma was the only one that felt right. I was starting to get a little frustrated, that’s when Alex got up.
He sat up and asked what I was doing. I told him about my conversation with mom, and how we needed to pick a name. He agreed, and we both sat up against the wall trying to think of names. It was quiet for a few minutes as we both thought, then Alex laid back down and started rattling off some names he had thought of. We would talk about each one and then end up both saying no. It was quiet again, I wondered if I should bring up the name Emma. Before I could say anything, Alex sat up and said, “what about Emma?” I replied, “Emma?” and after another quiet moment he said, “Yeah, I think that’s it. Emma Ashton Nelson.” I started to cry as I realized that Emma really was supposed to be her name. I hadn’t shared with Alex what I was feeling about the name Emma. It almost felt like Heavenly Father knew that this little girl wasn’t going to have a chance to grow into her name and so He just told us what her name should be.
Our initial response…the wrong response
After we had given our baby a name we couldn’t sleep, so we sat up and talked and talked. We both knew that although we would not have this little daughter on earth for a long time, she was still alive—even if it was only the short time she was living inside of me. We talked about how initially, both of us wanted to distance ourselves from the situation…probably because of shock. I remember walking out of the Doctor’s office, thinking that I wasn’t pregnant…or at least thinking that I would pretend that I wasn’t pregnant. I would ignore her kicking. To do this would be the easiest. No emotional attachment. If I could just get through the next few weeks there would be better times ahead…better babies ahead. I guess Alex had the same initial reaction. He told me that at first he wanted to just pretend I wasn’t pregnant. But then he would look at me and see my belly and be reminded that I still was. We decided that it might be easier in the short run to deal with the situation by getting it “over with” so we could move on, but in the end it would be more painful, and surely not right.
We talked some more about how we felt so close to our little girl. There were a lot of tears that night, but also so much peace. We were able to go to sleep and sleep well. We are so happy my parents reminded us that this was their first grand-daughter no matter what happened. It jolted us into also realizing that this baby was our daughter no matter what happened. We are her parents. She is ours…our little Emma.
Saturday—A Good Day
We slept in the next day. It was a Saturday. When we got up we did some laundry and decided to cut each other’s hair. We needed a break from crying. (I know you must be thinking, “Alex cutting Sunny’s hair? Hey, who needs a professional when you have an OCD husband who’s willing to do it if you let him do it while March madness is on? The past has proven that Alex, my hair, and March madness make for a great result) My hair turned out great, but lets be serious, under the circumstances I probably wouldn’t have noticed any difference if he had given me a buzz cut or bob cut. After we finished haircuts we got ready and Anna, Brent and Mindy came over. We talked for a long, long time. It is so nice having family right there for you. Later we ended up going to the temple. We did sealings and afterwards sat in the Celestial room by ourselves for quite awhile. It was so peaceful and I felt so close to Emma. I looked down at my pregnant stomach and watched my tears slowly fall one by one onto it. I told Emma that we must know each other really well, that I felt really honored to be her mother and that she made me really want to be better. As I was talking to her in the temple I got the distinct feeling that I wasn’t talking to a little baby. I was talking to someone older, someone I knew really well. I didn’t want to leave.
When we got home from the Temple Anna, Brent and Mindy came over and we watched a movie. I laughed and laughed…we all laughed. It was so fun and I was genuinely happy. Afterwards, we all went to visit baby Charles in the NICU. Alex and I were able to hold him while he was feeding. As he was lying on my belly I could feel Emma kicking like crazy. I think they must have been bonding. After all, they both just came from the spirit world. They must be so close. I was thinking how much I wished baby Charles could talk so he could tell me all about Emma. I’m sure he could tell me so much; it’s just too bad he can’t talk.
After Alex said goodbye and shut the door he came into the bedroom. We talked about how applicable the lesson was for us and how Brother Moore was so good at feeling the spirit. After we talked a little bit more I peeled myself off the bed, slightly embarrassed that I had not gotten up yet. We decided that while I took a shower Alex would go talk to the Bishop and let him know what was going on. A little later he came back from talking to the bishop and of course I was anxious to hear how it went. Alex said it went well and commented how nice it is to have a Bishop so in tune with the spirit. The Bishop had confirmed everything we were feeling. He reminded us that this was not a test but a trust. At first I just thought that this meant we needed to trust in the Lord, but the more I thought about it I realized that the Lord was showing His trust in us too. The Lord trusted us that we were the right parents for this perfect little spirit who needed a body. That thought made me feel a little inadequate…what a responsibility. Sometimes in life I think we have experiences that make us really feel the urgency and desire to be our very best selves. Well, this is definitely one of those times for me.
A Temple Dedication
After church we had the opportunity to attend the Draper temple dedication. Anna couldn’t go with us because she had to be at the hospital with baby Charles, but Brent and Mindy went with us. We got there early to make sure we would get a parking spot and Alex and Brent went to wait in line while Mindy and I stayed in the car. It was unusually frigid. Mindy and I were talking and laughing in the car when we realized that we had lost track of time and they had already let lots of people start going into the building. We had to hurry to find Brent and Alex and barely made it. Despite our attempts to be early we still ended up sitting on the first row of chairs. I wish I could tell you differently but for a lot of the temple dedication I had a hard time focusing. It must have been the hour they make you wait before they begin, but my back was just not feeling it. It was not letting me forget that it was aching. Fortunately, I stopped feeling too bad about my jittery nonchalant ness when I looked over and saw Alex and Brent dozing in and out. Thankfully, I was able to focus when President Monson spoke. I’m so glad we have a living prophet. His words were so comforting.
Dinner and lots of phone calls
After the temple dedication we met Anna back at our Apartment and all had dinner together, courtesy of the frozen lasagna, salad and bread that Anna and Mindy had given us the day before. We ate, talked, and laughed. While we were eating I couldn’t help but think how interesting it was that ever since Friday my two sisters and Brent had spent almost every minute at our apartment. It almost felt like they were living with us. It was a good feeling. I don’t think we could have gotten through those first couple of days with out them. Also, as the weekend progressed I started to feel like they were going through this with us. They too, were invested in the situation we found ourselves in.
That night as we were ending dinner people started calling. First, my grandma (Omi) called. I went in the bedroom to talk to her, my mom had updated her on what was happening but I hadn’t yet talked to her. I made myself comfortable on the bed and continued to talk on the phone; Mindy laid down on my legs and listened to the conversation. She put her hand on my stomach and after a few minutes Emma started moving like crazy. Mindy and I couldn’t believe it, and for a moment it was hard to focus on my phone conversation. I think Emma must be fond of Mindy…she had only really kicked like that for me. After I had finished talking to Omi, Anna came and got on the bed next to Mindy. Brent and Alex were left as they often are to entertain themselves out in the front room. It’s a good thing they were roommates and are friends because they end up spending a lot of time with each other. While all of us were on the bed, our older sister Lindsay called, when I told her the story of how we had chosen a name, Mindy and Anna were both crying again. We all talked to her for a few more minutes and then hung up. After that my dad called. He asked how my day was going, and we talked about lots of things. I feel like Dad has been the bank of sand bags that have prevented the treacherous waves from crashing down on me the last few days. At one point in the conversation he asked if I had seen Anna and Mindy that day, we all laughed when I told him that they were actually with me on my bed listening. After we said goodbye we piled off the bed and decided to call it a night. Tomorrow would be Monday, March 23rd, real life would start back again and I was anxious… the weekend had felt like a spiritual whirlwind of sadness and happiness.
Hard Being Alone
Alex woke up and went to classes, I didn’t go to work. I started to write down some of my feelings. It was hard being alone; I realized that it was going to be easier to be around lots of people even if I couldn’t really participate in their conversations or activities. That morning I went from sad, to afraid. I started thinking about all of the hard days ahead and didn’t know how I was going to cope with it all. I tried to direct my mind away from these thoughts by turning on the news. It was interesting how the same news stories that I was engulfed in a few days before seemed so frivolous and unimportant now. It’s funny how life, your priorities and your interests can do a 180 in just of a few short seconds. Although I wasn’t truly listening to the television it was a good distraction. I made lots of cookies, did some laundry and wondered how Alex was doing back at school. He called to ask how I was doing; I think we were both having a hard time. It was interesting to see over the past few days how we had become so protective of each other…feeling the need to be with each other all the time. At first I wondered how it was going to be like going through something this huge with someone else. Most of the hard experiences I had had before were things that I had to deal with by myself. Now as a married couple this was the first real rollercoaster ride we had unexpectedly been thrown onto. It seemed as though patience, sincerity, sensitivity, and affection all took on new meaning between us.
A Bad Morning but a Perfect Appointment
That night when we got home from work, I started to get anxious for the next mornings appointment. Although I knew the outcome of our situation and that this appointment was just to gather more information I was nervous. On the phone my mom reminded me that lots of my extended family would be fasting including her. I remember thinking, “Why, we already know the outcome?” It was comforting though to know that my parents would be there the following night. They would be driving up while we were in our appointment. They would spend a couple of days with us to help make decisions and plans. It took us some effort to fall asleep that night. The next morning we woke up, both thankful for a good nights sleep. We ate breakfast and got ready. They had changed our appointment from eight to nine fifteen so we made sure we were on the road by eight. The whole drive up to Salt Lake I was so nervous I felt nauseous. we must have both been on edge because we didn’t talk too much. During the drive I sighed and said, “Alex, I used to really like this drive up to Salt Lake, now I hate it.” He smiled and said, “me, too.”
We got to the hospital in good time and after registering downstairs started looking for Suite 100—the maternal-fetal medicine clinic. We found it, filled out some paper work, took turns going to the restroom and sat down to wait. They called us back fairly quickly, and the ultrasound nurse took us to a dim lighted room. Right away I noticed her warm smile. I decided I liked her a lot, and she hadn’t even pushed on my stomach yet. Again I found myself lying down on the ultra-sound table while Alex made himself cozy in a chair next to me. A huge flat screen monitor graced the wall in front of us and we could see everything. The nurse began the job of capturing a copious amount of pictures. She meticulously got shots of all the baby’s organs and appendages, no little body part was left out. It took quite awhile but I was really enjoying it. I felt so relaxed and calm. Seeing Emma was really neat, even if her little body was not perfect I knew her little spirit was.
After about 40 minutes the nurse took the printed pictures to the doctor so he could look at them before he came in to us. In the few minutes we were waiting, Alex and I talked and felt calm…eager for the doctor to come. After what seemed like no time at all the doctor appeared and introduced himself as Dr. Branch. He told us that indeed our situation was very serious. He looked at the baby some more himself and then told us that our baby had severe problems that were not compatible with life. As he was talking I remember trying to take it all in. I wasn’t sad or shocked. I had already been prepared, but now I wanted to know more specifically why our baby wasn’t going to survive. I was very curious and attentively tried to understand everything. I found it very interesting. He was telling us the specifics concerning our individual case, and that is what I had been eager to hear.
After we concluded that our baby would not live. We discussed the options of what to do next. He said it is very hard for these babies to survive the birthing process, hence many times they die during labor, many times they die in utero, and sometimes they die a few minutes after birth, most rarely they will survive a few hours after birth, but in our particular situation he said the latter would not be the case. He said that it would be most safe for the baby and the mom to have an early labor. That way there wouldn’t be serious complications. At one point as he was talking to us he stopped and audibly observed how well we were taking it all in. After a quiet second Alex told him that my dad was a doctor and that he had already prepared us for what would happen at this appointment. He asked what kind of doctor my dad was and I said pathologist. He nodded and said, “Oh, then he would know a lot.” We continued talking about the risks to both baby and myself. After the doctor had talked to us for awhile he had a fellow come in and look at the baby too. Some genetic counselors came in to get jot down our family history information. We didn’t have anything abnormal to report to them. We both come from large families that are, for the most part, perfectly healthy…no genetic abnormalities. The doctor likened our case to that of being struck by lightning. Our particular situation happens somewhere around 1 in 30,000. After some discussion and a phone call home, we decided to go ahead and perform an amniocentesis. That’s where they extract some of the amniotic fluid so they can figure out chromosomally what went wrong. Before they did the amnio, they had a nurse come and take some blood for research; I was trying to be brave, and thought I was doing well until I saw the needle they were getting ready to use for the amnio. Let me just say I have never seen a bigger needle in my whole entire life. It was like two feet tall. I looked away while the doctor and the fellow worked to place the gigantic needle in my stomach. I could feel it go through my skin and then a second later go through my uterus. Talk about a bad cramp. Dad would have been proud of me. When I was small, I would always run away and hide when he was trying to give us our flu shots. One time I almost broke his nose. I was older now and more brave…thank goodness. It didn’t take too long and then it was over. We talked to the doctor some more and he said he would call my dad. We would meet again once the results came back.
Tuesday night Mom and Dad arrived. At first when they told me that they were going to come up I wondered why? But parents know when their children need them, sometimes even before their children know they need them. The next few days I found myself grateful that they were coming. It made us feel calmer and stronger, knowing that we weren’t going to have to figure out all the details of our situation alone.
When they came we met them at the hospital because Anna was going to give baby Charles a bath and mom and dad hadn’t seen him for a few weeks. It was really fun, he was wide awake, and we all watched Anna and mom wash him up. I teased Anna and couldn’t stop giggling when she accidently squeezed out way too much baby soap into the little scrub brush. The little tub immediately filled with tons of little soap bubbles and we laughed as we realized Anna wasn’t going to be able to rinse him… at least very effectively. At least next time she’ll know that the soap comes out fast!
While I was in the NICU enjoying the family commotion, I couldn’t help but look around at all the tiny babies and think of Emma. Three weeks ago I was standing in the NICU, hoping none of my babies would ever have to spend time there. Three weeks later I was standing in the same NICU with a different perspective. Now I was thinking how lucky most of these babies were. Many of them would get better; they would live and get to go home with their parents. My little Emma wouldn’t need the NICU. As I stood there looking at the babies I couldn’t decide if I was sad or happy about this….probably a little of both.
After the hospital, Dad and Mom came to our apartment and we talked. Dad had spoken with Dr. Branch earlier over the phone. As we talked Alex and I began to recognize that our little Emma probably was not going to be with us as long as we had originally thought. It was hard, but I had no tears left—they had been depleted for the day. We were all tired, but before Mom and Dad left, Dad gave us both blessings. It felt good and I was comforted. (You’re never too old for a father’s blessing.) While Alex was receiving his blessing I looked up at him, I remember thinking how good of a dad he already was, and again felt lucky to be the one that got to marry him. I guess my tears weren’t totally depleted for the day, because a couple managed to roll down my cheek.
Too tired to wake up normal time, I slept in once again. All I remember was Alex saying goodbye and the door closing. Next thing I know my phone was ringing and mom was on the other end. I looked over at the clock and it was almost 11:00. Holy cow! I couldn’t believe I slept in that long. Mom said that she and Dad would be over in an hour or two. I hung up the phone and jumped to the shower. I tried to get ready fast but ended up having a breakdown while shampooing. My tear-ducts had definitely rejuvenated themselves. I couldn’t really tell what kind of tears they were this time: sad, happy, afraid, scared or upset…so I just let them come, and reminded myself that crying was okay and felt good.
I eventually got myself together and Alex came home. We talked about school and talked about the doctors we needed to call. Mom and Dad came over a little bit later and we sat and talked for a long time. We called the doctor and decided that we would probably induce labor on the 6th or 7th of April. We made plans, knowing we could change them if we felt the need. Later that afternoon Alex had to study and go to work, but I didn’t have anything pressing so I went with Mindy, and the parents up to Salt Lake. We went to the Salt Lake City Cemetery to look for burial plots. It was overcast and rainy, even a little snowy. We found ourselves submerged in the maps we had been given, trying to locate the available plots by our ancestors. Talk about a 250 acre puzzle. We eventually found the places we were looking for without too much effort. Dad read from the paper while Mom, Mindy and I stomped through the snow looking for the names he was reading… we were all working together…it was really fun with lots of laughing. We started talking about how nice the available plot clusters were and how we had some good options. We continued enjoying our cemetery outing and started laughing when we caught ourselves comparing views from each of the different plots. I think they call that gallow humor. When we eventually got back in the car, Mindy and I remarked how we were kind of excited to die, or at least excited for the second coming. I couldn’t help but think how glad I was that Emma wasn’t going to have to experience the wickedness and chaos of our world. She had already proven herself.
I thoroughly enjoyed myself that day, even though we were shopping for a burial plot and not a car seat. Funny how life happens in a way you would never choose, but it works out and you can be happy.
Mom and dad left to go home the next morning, the rest of the week seemed like it would just be normal. It wasn’t though. Now we had three people in our apartment. Alex and I both felt it and would comment to each other about the new feeling…like there were three of us. There has definitely been a heavenly presence…an Emma presence. I really believe she has been with us…we feel her.
We talk to her all the time. We savor every moment, for we know they are few. Every night when we are all ready for bed, we sit up on the pillows and wait for our little daughter to start moving (pregnant women know that babies like to be most active at night and keep their moms up…Emma is no exception.) Alex loves this “family” time. He puts his hand on my stomach, feels her kick and talks to her. I think she likes this bonding time because she sure moves for us. At the beginning she was a little stubborn. Alex really wanted to feel her kick, but she had only really kicked and moved for Mindy. After a few minutes Alex got frustrated and turned over, I told Emma in my mind, “Emma, please kick for your dad, this is the only time he’s going to get with you…please.” After a moment she started kicking and Alex really got to feel her moving. He was way excited. Ever since then we have had this nightly ritual. It’s getting harder though, because every night means we have one less with her. It’s difficult. Sometimes I wish I could just keep her in me forever. I love her so much. I don’t want her to leave. I am lucky though, most women don’t experience pregnancy like this. It becomes different when you realize your child is living their whole life…their only life within you. There is an early and strong connection. Emma has given me the sweet taste of motherhood, and she hasn’t even been born yet. You know how they say you experience this new overwhelming feeling of love when they put your baby in your arms for the first time? Well, it can come before then….I have experienced it.
Wednesday April 1st, was a really good, happy day. It was probably the most semi-normal day since all of this started. Alex went to school, I went to work, I went and visited Alex at the library, than came home took a nap, and made dinner. The night however, wasn’t as good. I got nervous about the following mornings doctor appointments. There, we would find out the results of our amniocentesis and also talk about next week’s planned delivery. The results of our amniocentesis would not only confirm what the doctors had already told us, but it would tell us if it was a totally random occurrence or if it was a translocation problem. The latter would mean there was a problem with one of mine or Alex’s chromosomes and this current situation would have a recurrence rate of almost 100 % in our future pregnancies. Although they had assured us that translocation problems our extremely rare, I was nervous. We were told that the chance of us, as a healthy young couple, having our current circumstance is about a .01% chance...and look...we were in it. It doesn’t get much rarer than .01% right? So the word “rare” didn’t really mean that much to me, hence I was still really nervous. While we were in bed trying to go to sleep Alex and I talked again about the “rare” possibility that it could be a translocation issue. We decided that if it was... that must be what Heavenly Father really wanted, and we would just try adopting. No matter what the results were it would all work out in the end, it would just be hard. We also both agreed and “joked” that if it was a translocation problem, we hoped it was on Alex’s chromosomes, not mine. We joked that we would even tell the doctor to tell us it was Alex’s problem even if it wasn’t. Alex would be able to forgive himself easier. If it was a problem with me, it would be harder for me I think to forgive myself. I would probably struggle with feeling “bad.” Before Alex turned over to go to sleep he said that I shouldn’t worry, and that he really felt like Heavenly Father needed a way to get Emma her body and that this wasn’t going to be a long term problem for us.
Good News
I kept looking at the clock all night long and at 4:30am found myself pacing the living room for a couple of minutes. I kept trying to get myself to stop worrying, but just couldn’t. I tried to go back to sleep, but at 6:30 when the alarm clock rang I slowly opened my eyes and didn’t feel as though I had gotten too much more solid sleep. Again Alex and I ate breakfast, got ready and were on the freeway traveling up to Salt Lake by eight…are appointment was at nine. The nauseous queasy feeling that I had going up to our last appointment returned. The car seemed really hot and I was tired. It didn’t help that I had woken up with tired eyes either. You know the puffy type that make you feel like everyone is looking at you thinking, “you poor, tired thing.” I hate those eyes. The doctor’s would probably think I had spent the whole week weeping.
We arrived quite early, traffic was good, and we found ourselves waiting in the office at 8:45am. They called us back super fast and we were able to meet with one of the doctor’s and our genetic counselor. They explained to us the results while showing us a picture of Emma’s chromosomes. Indeed it showed that she had one too many copies of one of them. Instead of 46 chromosomes she had 47 (what a unique little girl). The results were exactly what the doctor’s had thought. They also told us that this was not a translocation problem with me or Alex. Instead it was a nondisjunction—just a random occurrence. We squeezed each other’s hands in relief. It was the best news, under the circumstances, that we could have hoped for. Afterwards we went up to Dr. Kealberer’s office. They didn’t make us wait either. He came right in to talk with us. We talked about Emma’s delivery and he answered our questions. Alex asked him if he was LDS. He said yes, and we had a nice conversation about the gospel. Once again our appointments went well. What a blessing.
“Chance”—A funny thing
As we were driving home we were so happy that this wasn’t going to be a recurring problem that would happen with all of our babies. Still that 1-2% recurrence risk was irritating my mind. I guess it was because our current situation was so unusual (.01%) that it was like our chances had increased 100-200%. What a funny thing—that now 1-2% seemed high to me. I started talking to Alex about how I was feeling and he was kind of having the same feelings too. After we talked and I thought some more, I came up with some conclusions or I guess you could say I learnt some lessons. First, the percent or chance of something happening or recurring doesn’t really matter (especially in situations that you can’t control). Although I found myself always asking questions that started with, “what’s the chance of this happening again…” or “was this random” etc. …When you really think about it, it’s not that important. The possibility of some other couple having this problem recur could be our same chance. They just might not know because they had an early miscarriage. Or, maybe you could have a 40 % chance of this happening, but you end up having five completely healthy children. I guess what I am saying is-- in the long run the chances of something happening to you that’s uncontrollable, just doesn’t matter. If it is Heavenly Father’s will, it will happen and it will be okay—that’s just the bottom line. Some things truly are out of our control, but the comforting thing to know is that Heavenly Father is in complete control. He knows exactly what is happening, he is in charge. We don’t have to worry, even if we may be sad. It is funny how the word random has come up in our conversations so much the last few weeks. It makes us feel better to know this was a “random” occurrence, but deep down inside we realize that this wasn’t random at all, and that too is comforting. To know that Heavenly Father meant for Emma to come to us…That we are her parents…That she is our daughter…That she only needs to be here a short while---all these things are not random or by chance. They are part of the bigger plan… the plan of happiness. It’s that simple. It’s that comforting.
A Beautiful little family sitting in the Celestial Room
Friday morning we woke up and decided to go one last time to the temple with Emma. This would be our last chance because of General Conference the following day. We arrived and asked the temple presidency if we could just sit in the Celestial room. They of course allowed this, and after we were dressed in white, they escorted us up. It was so pleasant; we had the room all to ourselves on and off. I put my hand on Emma, talked to her, snuggled up to Alex and felt the spirit so strong. I remember looking at the big picture of Christ in the mirror’s reflection. We were sitting in front of our Savior, and in that moment I think He approved of our little family and what we were doing. My tears began to spill over as this feeling embraced me. Sometimes in life the still small voice will let us know that what we are doing is what He would have us do. There is no greater feeling than to know that you are doing exactly what your Heavenly Father wants you to be doing…that you have His approval… that you, at least for that time are in good standing.
We stayed for about an hour and a half. In that time I kept taking mental pictures to have for always in my memory. I, in my pretty white dress with my little daughter pooching out of me, sitting next to my husband who was also dressed in white…what a beautiful family, in a beautiful, peaceful room. A perfect picture I will remember forever.
What do you do?
What do you do with a little daughter you only have for two more days? This is our last weekend…the time is quickly coming when we will have to say goodbye. It is getting harder—much harder. We both wish Emma could stay in me forever. We are both attached to our circumstances, we love having Emma. I told Alex the other day that I didn’t want anymore children; I just wanted Emma to live in me forever. I was okay with being pregnant my whole life… then we could have her forever. He smiled and said he felt the same way. We don’t want our baby girl to leave, but she needs to. Hence, what do you do with a little daughter you only have for two more days? Well we do a lot. We have had little time, but have made many memories. Emma has definitely not been here long but she has enjoyed lots of normal “children” things. Here are some of them:
· We read books to her--Lots of Books. I am happy to let you know that my daughter has experienced many favorite children’s books with her parents. She did not miss out. Some of the favorites have been:
o Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
o Love you Forever by Robert Munsch
o Curious George and the Firefighters
o Dr. Suess’s Oh, the places you’ll go!
o Moon Dance by Frank Asch
o and of Course, The Three Little Pigs
Alex’s favorite story to read Emma is Moon Dance. He told me that he feels like he is the Bear in the story and Emma is the clouds, the rain and the moon…That’s why he crys when he reads it to her. It’s kind of symbolic. I think it will be Alex’s story for Emma forever.
· We listen to good music. Emma has experienced classical music. I think she is particularly fond of Aaron Copland. (After all, she has gone with us to Alex’s last Humanities class all semester. She must be becoming quite cultured.) She also enjoys listening to the Tabernacle choir sing the children’s song, “My Heavenly Father Loves Me,” and lastly, although her mother does not have the best singing voice she gets to hear her sing all the time. We sing “In the leafy tree tops” while we do normal chores.
· We make cookies, go on walks, have nice talks, and eat yummy food, especially strawberry ice-cream.
Who would have known there were so many activities you could do while your little girl was still in utero.
Conference and Family support
Saturday Alex and I were able to watch conference. I had been looking forward to Conference all week, particularly because of our situation. There are always ideas or talks expressed in Conference that pertain particularly well to the circumstances we are in. However, this was the first time I was listening to conference with ears that knew I would be burying my little girl the following week. Conference was wonderful, so many off the talks seemed like they were given specifically for me. I cried and can’t wait for Richard G. Scott’s talk to come out in the Ensign. We are truly blessed to have prophets and apostles on the earth today. They know—they are inspired.
On Sunday we were able to visit with lots of Family, Alex’s parents came in town and my parents came in town. It is such a blessing to know you don’t have to go through things like this alone. My family has lifted the weight off my shoulders. They have literally shared in this blessing that at times has been quite burdensome. They have taken care of all the details, comforted and cried with me, and reassured me that they are right there. It has been so nice seeing Alex’s parents and mine. Alex told me that in situations like these Grandparents have to grieve twice. Once for their grandchild and once for the pain they see their own children in. I agree with him.
Our Last Night
When Sunday evening came, Alex and I started to have a hard time. After our families had left for the night we got ready to go to sleep and sat up in our bed to feel Emma kick for us one last night. Alex wanted to read Moon Dance one more time. After he finished he laid his head on my stomach and started to cry…then I started to cry. This was the hardest time. Alex kept asking Emma why she had to go and I kept crying and crying. I remember looking out the window with blurry eyes thinking that I had never cried this much in my whole life. I had never felt weaker but at the same time I had never felt more peaceful and strong. It seemed like such a paradox….to feel the strongest in the same moment you feel the weakest. That night was so hard for us, our bed was soaked with tears… they were tears not only of sad heartache but of peaceful assurance and gratitude. The spirit bore testimony to me again of the truthfulness of the Plan of Salvation. I felt so much gratitude for my Savior that night…because of Him this sadness would only be temporary—not forever lasting. Eventually we drifted off to sleep wrapped around each other still sniffling, our hands both on my stomach touching Emma.
Monday Before the Hospital
The next day was a busy and nervous one. There was so much to do before we went up to the hospital. That morning I went over to watch baby Charles and told him to say good-bye because this was the last time he would see me with Emma. As I rocked him in my arms I savored all the times I had been able to rock him on top of Emma. I think they talked to each other one last time. After a little while Alex’s mom came and watched Charles so I could go get some of the things done that I still needed to do. She is really good with little babies and it was helpful and fun to have her watch him for awhile. Alex came home around noon and we ran some last minute errands and packed our bags for the hospital. Throughout the whole day, we played the “this is your last” with Emma. We would say things like, “Okay Emma this is the last time you’ll go visit your cousin Charles,” and “this is the last time you’ll take a walk with mom,” or “this is the last time you’ll go to the grocery store,” etc. The hardest part was when it was time to load up the car and leave. I walked through the apartment and let Emma say good-bye to all the rooms. Even though she was only here a short while, it was still her earthly home.
Checking in
We drove up to Salt Lake with Mindy and checked into the brand new Intermountain Medical Center in Murray. The nurse led us to a delivery room that was kind of back in the corner. A picture of a leaf cradling a tear drop was placed outside our door so everyone who came in would know our situation and as the nurse put it “be reverent.” At first I thought this was a strange word choice, but the more I thought about it, the more appropriate I found it to be. In the next two days that labor and delivery room would become sacred to us and our families. The room was really nice and spacious with a large window and a beautiful view of the mountains. Everything was new and clean and I especially liked the wood floors and the sage green paint on the walls. Alex liked how the seating area by the window turned into nice mattresses. We put our stuff down and Mindy and Alex helped me change into a hospital gown. Mindy called Mom and Dad and told them where we were so they could come meet us. We continued to get situated and another nurse came in. She looked young, had a friendly smile and had the same color of hair as me. She introduced herself as Heather and told us she would be our nurse that night. She also told us that two years ago, she had lost her baby daughter to something very similar to Emma’s condition. It was comforting talking to her because she specifically knew what we were going through. She put an IV in my arm and gave me a pill that would start labor. She said I would be given a pill every three hours until Emma was born. After she left Mom and Dad came and I began to feel a little bit calmer. After talking for awhile we realized that we hadn’t taken very many “pregnant” pictures. We decided this would be our last chance to take more pictures so I got out of bed and changed back into my normal clothes. We took lots of pictures… some with just me and some with Alex and me. Mindy took some still shots and Dad turned on the video camera. We were having a fun time and we joked with the nurse when she came back that we were having are last photo shoot while I was still pregnant with Emma.
After we had taken plenty of photos I changed back into the hospital gown and got back into bed. We all talked for a long time and we had the NCAA championship basketball game muted in the background. Sorry to say it was a lame game. North Carolina defeated Michigan State 89-72. As we were talking Dr. Kealberer came in to see how I was doing and we talked about what the next day would most likely bring. Despite having so many ultrasounds, Alex and I never received an ultrasound picture. When we expressed this to Dr. Kealberer he went and got an ultrasound machine, brought it into the room, sat next to me and began to move the wand around my stomach. My family all gathered around the bed to watch. This ultrasound was different than the others. He wasn’t trying to look for problems; he was just trying to get good pictures of Emma’s little body. He would wait for a good picture of her feet, pause it and then print it out. He went on to do this with her hands, arms, legs, head etc. I remember thinking it was nice of him to do this for us. I really thought we would just have to do without an ultrasound picture. After he felt like he had captured some good pictures he talked to us about what that night and the next day would most likely bring. His words made me anxious but at the same time they were reassuring. He told us that he would be in to check on me a little bit later since he had some other patients delivering that night.
After another hour or so, Dad and Mindy went to get Kirsten and Ardie from Lindsay’s house. Mom stayed and we talked about when her little sister, Heidi died. I really enjoyed this conversation. She was sitting on the couch next to my bed finishing up some hemming on a blanket for Emma and Alex was sitting next to her. We both asked her lots of questions and she would answer them. I kept thinking how I knew Mom’s little sister and Emma knew each other really well. Eventually Dad, Mindy, Ardie and Kirsten came. Alex and Dad gave me a blessing and Alex blessed me that the delivery would go smoothly, and that was comforting to me. At about mid-night we decided we all needed to get some sleep and so we said our good-byes and pretty soon it was just Alex and me in the hospital room. Alex brushed his teeth, made his bed and fell asleep. It seemed like it would be a quiet, non-eventful night… I had started to notice cramping but it wasn’t a big deal so I turned over and drifted off to sleep.
Monday Night
It was about 3:00am when I got up with severe pain. I woke Alex up and told him. The cramping was constant now and it seemed like the pain was just getting worse. I got out of bed and tried to walk around the room a little bit. Nothing helped. I didn’t want an epidural …that wasn’t in my plan—at least not yet. Monday night was supposedly supposed to be the calm and painless night. I was frustrated because I did not expect this type of pain so soon. I ended up having a miniature breakdown. Poor Alex. I remember him following me around the room with a helpless look on his face—he didn’t know what to do. He asked if I wanted to call the nurse and I remember saying, “No…no what’s she going to do besides tell me to get an epidural?” After another minute he said, “I know… you should call your mom.” To that I replied, “yes… she’ll know what to do.” I got back in bed and Alex got me my phone. It was crazy because mom picked up on the first ring. I could just imagine her in bed holding her phone, waiting for me to call. Through tears and an anxious voice I told her what was happening. She was able to calm me down and said that the medicine they were giving me was going to make it really painful, really fast. She told me that I shouldn’t try to be brave and that the best thing to do would be to get an epidural and call her back afterwards. Alex was standing next to the bed and after I hung up he pushed the “call nurse button,” rubbed my arm and gave me a “told you so” face. The nurse came in and we told her what was happening. She told us that the medicine didn’t really give rest between contractions and that she thought getting an epidural was the best thing to do too. When the anesthesiologist came in he told me to scoot to the side of the bed and curl up like a potato bug. I was surprised at how fast and relatively painless the epidural was. I always thought it would be so terrible. I guess when you are already in lots of pain having a big needle pushed in your back seems like a small deal. After the epidural started working I called mom back and talked to her for a little bit. I felt much better and Alex rubbed my arm until I fell asleep.
Tuesday
I was happy to wake up the next morning feeling like I had gotten a little bit of sleep. I don’t think Alex got as much sleep as he had expected. Our nurse Heather came to say goodbye and said she would be there again that evening if we still hadn’t delivered. Our new nurse was Kathleen; she was probably my mom’s age, had a short stylish haircut and smelt really good. At first I didn’t know if I was going to like her as much as Heather, but she ended up being one of my favorites. Mid morning our families started to come to the Hospital. Alex’s parents and Camie came and visited us in our hospital room. They came ready to stay all day in the waiting room—which of course means they brought a scrabble board. My parents came too and I was glad when they were all there. We were thinking that I would probably have Emma late that morning or in the afternoon. I felt good in the morning but by the time noon came I started to get uncomfortable. I tried to sleep on and off but it was hard. Most of the time it was Alex and my mom or dad with me in the hospital room, and sometimes my siblings or Alex’s siblings and parents would come in and we would all visit. I guess everyone made themselves comfortable in the waiting rooms and talked with each other.
At about 12:00pm I was dilated to a 3 and the nurses said that once the medicine decided to start working it would probably go really fast. So when 4:00pm rolled around and nothing had happened I was starting to panic a little bit. I had been in labor for about 20 hours now and I was so uncomfortable. There were no more comfortable positions to lie on anymore, and my legs felt like heavy bricks—I couldn’t feel them at all.
Dr. Kealberer came in and told us that he had a ballet performance to go to for his little daughter at Kingsbury Hall from 6:00 to 9:00pm. Dr. Barton would be covering for him while he was gone. Before he left he smiled and told me that it would be really soon when I had a performance to go to for one of my little daughters. I smiled, but thought that seemed so far away. Before Dr. Kealberer left he told the nurse to raise the dose of medicine they were giving me. Every time they gave me more medicine the contractions would get worse and when they had to change my epidural I would shake for awhile. I was starting to get tired of the whole thing. While I was laying down shaking, I remember thinking that I was going through all of this and wasn’t even going to have a little baby to take home, and that’s when I started to cry. My mom came in and stood by my bed and rubbed my head for a long time. I remember that I felt a lot better with Mom there and I guess I fell asleep for a long time, because the next thing I remember was waking up and it was dark outside and Dad was sitting next to me.
Tuesday Night
It got pretty late and I had progressed a bit more. Dr. Kealberer came back from his daughter’s performance. Heather, our nurse from the prior night was back also. She told me that it looked like they were going to break my water. I started to get excited that “something” was going to happen. None of us imagined that it would have gone on this long. So you can imagine my disappointment when Dr. Kealberer came in and told me that they had decided not to do anything. Breaking my water would create more risk for infection and they decided against it. I was going to have another long uncomfortable night. I was so hungry and thirsty. Mom asked if I could eat some crackers and drink some juice, at first he looked hesitant but then he said he was fine with it, I don’t think he wanted to disappoint me again.
By this time everyone was worn out. I felt bad that Alex’s family and my parents had to wait the whole night. Mindy, Ardie and Kirsten went home to sleep and Alex’s parents and Camie stayed at the hospital. Dad went home for a little bit, I think to shower and take a nap. Mom sat next to my bed. Alex made a bed for himself on the floor and Camie came in and fell asleep on the reclining chair. A little bit later Dad came back and mom was going to go home. Dad quickly fell asleep on the couch and Alex zonked out on the floor. The room was dark and I listened to all three of them sleeping around me and tried not to focus on how terrible and uncomfortable I felt. I remember looking at the ceiling and feeling really sad. I could feel contractions, but I could also feel Emma kicking. I wanted the contractions to leave, but I knew once they left that would mean that I wouldn’t feel Emma kick anymore. Once the contractions were gone Emma would be gone too. Emma could only live in me. I was so so sad. Earlier in the day, because of the pain, I had gotten frustrated at Emma and told her that she needed to come out and stop taking so long. Now I felt bad that I had said that, I wanted to keep feeling her kick. I whispered to her that I was sorry and some tears rolled down my cheeks into my neck.
A little later the door opened and Mom came back in. I remember whispering to her, “Mom, didn’t you go home?” She said she decided not to go home…she had just taken a walk and then brushed her teeth in the bathroom. Then she glanced at Alex and Dad, both totally out and said it was probably better that she stayed with me. I smiled and said that I had already tried calling both their names but they didn’t budge so I had given up. Mom sat next to my bed the whole night. I dozed off in and out, but I was so uncomfortable. I think mom was pretty uncomfortable too. The room was mostly dark except for light coming from the computer right next to us. We ended up whispering to each other most of the night. I asked her what Alex’s parents were doing. She said Alex’s dad was trying to sleep on a small couch in the waiting room and that Alex’s mom had been walking around earlier and was still up playing scrabble with Alex’s brother Nate. I hadn’t realized that Alex’s brother Nate was at the hospital still. Mom and I both thought that it was cute of Nate to stay up with his mom. We also talked about families in our ward back home and mom told me what some of the families were up to. I remember thinking that it was so nice talking to mom. Even though I was feeling more pain, and my family was uncomfortable and tired I really liked how we were all sleeping in the little hospital room. Mom and I talked about how dad was starting to snore and then we looked down at Alex and I remember we talked about how he was sleeping on his stomach and if that was normal. We talked some more, dozed off some more and before we knew it the sun was starting to slowly come up. I wanted it to come up even faster.
At about 7:00 am I became really really uncomfortable and I had the worst pain in my side, worse than I had ever had before. It seemed like the epidural wasn’t working anymore and I started to get panicky. I remember Mom trying to calm me down. I was sitting up and mom was standing next to me with her hand rubbing my back. I looked at Alex sleeping on the floor and started to get angry at him. I told him that, “this was all his fault,” and that “he shouldn’t be able to get to sleep.” I remember telling mom to make him leave. Alex got up and came by me, but I was so upset with him that I told him to go away and not touch me. Mom said that she thought that the nurse needed to check me, and I remember saying, “Why? Nothing ever changes.” The Nurse came in right after that and Mom told her to check me, she said Dr. Kealberer was coming in right behind her. Sure enough Dr. Kealberer came and checked me and said that Emma was right there and would be out in a couple of pushes. Then everyone started getting ready really fast. Dad and Alex both put on aprons and the nurse got all of the delivery stuff out. I asked mom how she knew I was ready and she said that usually women get short with their husbands right before they need to start pushing.
